To PhD or to not PhD, that is the question.

Regular readers will know that I've questioned why I want a PhD, so the (relatively) recent discussion at In the Pipeline and A scientist's life about whether it's worth getting a PhD struck a chord with me.

In the discussion at A Scientist's Life, Lou says:

If you have to think whether or not to do a Ph.D. or not, maybe you shouldn't do it. Because you'll know if you really want to. If you are thinking about "career" in any sense apart from academic, you probably shouldn't do it. If you are thinking about money, you definitely shouldn't do it.

If this was the case, I should have quit the day after I started grad school, and a hundred times since then. Does that mean I should throw in the towel? Okay, part of me is saying "yes", but the rational part if me says "no".

I had no clue what I was getting into, and before I started I knew with all my being that I would finish a PhD and work in an academic setting. I knew that was where I belonged. But I had no idea what I was getting into. I had no idea what real research was like and how much politics were involved in academics (and government research positions, for that matter). I had no scientific role models growing up. I just knew that I was smart enough to pursue a PhD in whatever field I chose, and so I had to do it.

After I earned my MSc, I did quit. I thought I quit because I was too stressed out from being poor all the time. I never considered that I didn't like research. During the two years that I worked at a "real job", I was miserable and mad at myself. The job I'd taken wasn't exactly challenging – I was basically a scientific gopher, doing random tasks such as writing text for papers and proposals, compiling a GRB catalog, and making/manipulating images. I suppose that it wouldn't have been so bad, but during the first year there was a lot of down time. Apparently, I worked faster than my supervisor thought I would/could, so there were long periods where I had nothing to do (until the GRB catalog came along). During those hours and days, I beat myself up for not having the stamina to complete the PhD. Hell, during my off-work hours I beat myself up. I was mad at myself, because I knew that I could get that PhD – I was smart enough, and at one time in my life I was determined enough. I felt like an utter failure.

After a year in that position, I had a meeting with my second-year project advisor about the paper we were trying to publish based on the project I had done with her. She mentioned that she was looking for a PhD student to work on a project analyzing the AGN data from the RXTE archive, and if I heard of anyone looking for a project, could I send them her way. The project piqued my interest, and after some long, serious talks with my then-boyfriend (now husband), I decided to go back, part-time, as a PhD student. (I'd already passed qualifiers and been advanced to candidacy, so it was just a matter of getting the school onboard, which turned out to be very easy.)

Sometime after my proposal defense, I started to realize that I really don't like research. I just don't have a passion for it. I wonder from time to time whether this is a general condition, or if it stems from working on the same project for four years with a minor success coming only very recently (my paper being accepted for publication). Maybe the isolation is getting to me – I'm not part of a research group, and I work, for the most part, from home because I have a far better computer at home than at work. This means that I have very little interaction with other astronomers. I've found that in the past two months, since I've started meeting with a senior research scientist, I have a lot more enthusiasm for my work when people ask how my thesis is going. I've even had odd thoughts of applying for a postdoc position, rather than going straight for the education positions I've been eyeing.

So, back to the larger question. Should I be pursuing a PhD? Am I going to add to the number of unemployed or under-employed PhD scientists? What if I go into education and public outreach rather than a research – does that mean I shouldn't be granted a PhD? Does my future career choice nullify the hard work that I've been doing for the past 6 years? For that matter, does my possible lack of enthusiasm nullify the work I've done?

I think the appropriate answers are: yes, maybe, so what?, absolutely not, no, and no. I'm still in the game; still pursuing that highest degree, and I have no plans of stopping, no matter what that niggling feeling at the back of my head says.