State of Transition

The Scientiae theme this time around is "transitions". I wanted to think of something clever – maybe how transitions of iron allow a glimpse of the very heart of an active galactic nuclei. Sadly, I'll have to save that for another post, because I got stuck thinking about my personal transitions.

When I first started as a grad student, I was excited to be back in classes. Being a student was one role I knew I was good at. But no more than a month into my studies, and I hated being a grad student. I struggled through my two and half years of classes (with some bribes from family), and then took a 2-year break to work full-time. I returned to school parttime, thinking that I'd feel better about being a student if (1) I could concentrate on research without any more coursework and (2) I didn't have to worry about paying rent and bills on a grad-student salary.

I was wrong.

I've had some trouble putting words to the reason that I hate being a student. Until I started to think about the theme of transition. Grad school, the whole thing, is one big state of transition. I feel like my life is not settled, and won't be, until I've got that PhD in my hands (or quit, but that's not going to happen).

I'd like to move to a house with more of a yard (we're in a townhouse now). But since we don't know where I'm going to find a job after I get my PhD, we can't do that yet.

I want a dog, but we need the house with a bigger yard first, and the PhD before that.

I want to decorate a room or two in our current house - paint some walls, invest in some new furniture, coordinate the artwork, and givethe place have a bit of style (rather than our current post-modern bachelor/bachelorette style). But we don't know how much longer we'll be here, so it should just wait until I finish the PhD.

I want to start making plans for our next big vacation – the eclipse cruise last year gave me a taste for vacations that don't involve visiting family. But we can't put a date on our next big trip, since we don't know exactly when I'll be done. Naturally, the trip can't happen until (you guessed it) my PhD is finished.

It just seems that permanence is impossible as a grad student. I don't know where I'll be after I finish my PhD. Maybe I'll stay where I am – both of my contract task managers would like to hire me full-time, but it looks like the funding situation is not in my favor. Maybe I'll move back to the Southwest. Maybe I'll move someplace I've never considered, just because there's a job that I want and that will have me. I have no idea.

But then, maybe that's all that life is – constant transitions, both big and small. At some point I'll have to decide that it only matters where I am here and now, so I can just go for the things I want, and trust that it will all get sorted out despite the next transition.

Tags: scientiae-carnival